Bizarre Tales

Life is Stranger than Fiction and the News is Stranger than Life

Friday, February 10, 2006

First Grader Suspended For Sex Harassment

"Superintendent of Schools, Basan Nembirkow released this statement in response to the incident:

'The safety and well being of Brockton Public Schools' student and staff is of utmost importance to us and we take all allegations of sexual harassment very seriously, investigations are always conducted when reports of sexual harassment arise. Principals are trained to handle these difficult situations and they are assisted as needed by the district sexual harassment officer in handling each situation.

Student records are always private and Brockton public schools cannot and will not comment on individual cases of disciplinary actions.'"

This man has a job supervising children? Shudder. The horror. The horror. I'd like to point out that the accused was... erm... unarmed. Is this an example of sex education in our public schools? Might be a wakeup call for parents to actually parent.

Teacher, leave those kids alone.

Teen Using Restroom Falls Out Bus Window

"A New York City teenager fell out the window of a moving bus while using the restroom Tuesday and landed on the New York State Thruway."

How many times do I have to say this? It's not like it used to be - nearly a hundred years ago. It's safe to use the toilet when traveling by bus. You don't have to hang your anterior personage into oncoming traffic.

I'm just glad he was doing #2. Road rash is a bitch.

Angry Strip Club Worker Mails Explosive Condoms

"A former strip club waitress was arrested by the FBI after she allegedly mailed explosive condoms to random businesses, claiming that she was tired of being mistreated by men."

I'm sorry. I want only one explosion associated with my condoms and I don't expect it to arrive in the mail.

Burglar eats, watches TV and checks e-mail

"Authorities are seeking a burglar who allegedly took the time to make coffee, cook and eat meals, take showers, pick out a change of clothes, watch television and check his e-mail while inside three rural Washington County homes this month."

My housekeeper does this, but I don't make a big deal out of it.

Woman Whistles Through Her Toes

"Bell said it all started when she was 14 and trying to learn how to whistle. 'And I said I wonder if can whistle with them because I wasn't having any luck with my fingers and so I tried it and it worked!' she said."

Politicians talk through their hats and often find their feet in their mouths, so why shouldn't a woman be able to whistle through her toes?

This story needs pictures. I don't get it. Does she do this standing up? I'm not that limber and my balance isn't that good.

Anyway, kudos to women with a talent for blowing.

Woman carrying human head arrested in Fla.

"Airport baggage screeners found a human head with teeth, hair and skin in the luggage of a woman who said she intended to ward off evil spirits with it, authorities said Friday."

Gimme a break. If you carry a human head around with you, what do you expect? You're gonna get noticed. Doh!

Me? I haven't possessed a human head since Charles Manson was arrested. I mean, you don't have to tell me twice. Helter Skelter and all that.

Travel tip: Wrap your companion human head in tinfoil and pack it in a hat box.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Curse of the Bio Techs - PG-13

Where is Roger Corman when we need him - to reassure us. It's only a movie. It's only a movie. But, unfortunately, we are not talking low grade horror flicks here. We are talking about a computer peripheral that may be coming to a desk very near you. Too close for comfort.

"Tissue engineers like Vladimir Mironov of the Medical University of South Carolina, and Thomas Boland of Clemson University, have been printing biomaterials with modified ink-jet printers."

I'm confident they have good intentions yet I'm haunted with images that their research may be contaminated by the DNA of my long dead and hardly missed step-father.

"Boland and Mironov use layers of "thermo-reversable" gel to build up three-dimensional structures like tubes—capillaries, to use the medical term. When the tiny droplets, or clumps, of cells came together closely, they fused."

I'm laying in bed in the dark of night. I hear my printer chirring and humming. Pass after pass. Layer after sinuey layer. Structure after structure. Limb after limb. And then a squishy, ripping sound like duct tape being pulled from a captured serial killer's wrists.

Thud, thud, belch, fart, the apparition appears at the foot of my bed. "Hey, dingleberry, gimme ten bucks 'til payday."

It's too horrible to contemplate which makes it better fodder for the silver screen than the home office.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Freak Encounter with an Airborne Whale

Dayum! When I hear the word 'thrusting' a flying whale slamming into the deck of my pleasure craft is not the first thing that comes to mind.