Bizarre Tales

Life is Stranger than Fiction and the News is Stranger than Life

Friday, January 27, 2006

What's in a Name?

Bored with your small town name? I can relate. I've been trying to get the town fathers and muthers to change our name to "The Beach Boys" 'cause I think it would be cool. They claim we have a bay but no beach, hence the name change would make no sense. Literalists.

Meanwhile, residents of Washington, PA have chones the size of... footballs (for the duration of Superbowl), changing their name from Washington - home of the team they despise - to Steelers - the team they idolize. A crass marketing ploy to promote their picyune little burg, riding on the back of a national obsession? Of course. But what could be more American?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Sex calms nerves before public speaking

Oh really. Like we didn't know that. Like we need to spend money on 'studies'. Buncha pervs. I'm jealous. Why couldn't I get a job like that? I have just as much prurient interest as anyone else.

Here's the deal. Sex calms nerves before final exams. Sex calms nerves before asking the boss for a raise. Sex calms nerves before taking your driving test. Get it yet? Sex calms nerves. Period. Doh!

We could save a whole lot of money if horny researchers would just go out and get laid before they start these lame studies.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Real Men Don't Mate Metal

Hey, I'm a liberal kinda guy. I have sexual proclivities... that are really none of your business. I try not to judge. But guys that would prefer gleaming chrome over glistening flesh - of whatever sex - within their own species - have been sitting behind a keyboard for too long.

I thought women as sex objects was a Playboy (magazine) mentality thing that went out with mood rings. I thought we had grown and matured. Still, we get 'The Top Ten Sexiest Female Robots' as if what a man really wants is a mindless sex machine that will comply with his every desire. Heck. We already have that. We have real live women and if a woman loves you, she will give you whatever you want - and it would be a good idea to return the favor. But, hey, we're talkin' adolescent fantasy here. Too bad the fantasizers are old enough to vote.